Anger is such intense energetic fuel. It can be used to blow shit up, keep things and people at bay and in all honesty keep you safe. It kept me safe. I was able to transform it into amazing energy that pushed my body to athletic limits I don't think I'd otherwise have achieved, back in the day :)
Anger is also EXHAUSTING...
Then there comes a day, actually it's more like a moment in that random day, when it no longer fits inside. At least that is my experience. I'm not exactly sure why or what shifted because there have been so many shifts that I can attribute this to. I was here in my office working and I was releasing anger that I have had such a deep and trustworthy relationship with. It was as though on in inhale the shift began and on the immediate exhale it began to release. It freaked me out!!! I knew immediately who I was releasing this entangled anger with. I know that his birthday is approaching and that every year it haunts me a bit. I know that I have issues and many of them stem from him, my Father. I know that I deserve more, better and that my role model for healthy relationships is skewed. I also know that I have had a ton of triggers pelting down on my like a hurricane and I desperately want to float in the water and pray for this storm to pass.
Maybe it is because I'm ready for the next level of healing, which allows for a new way of truly living. How can one live their soul's purpose when its being protected by a shield of anger? Maybe it's because it's grey and sad outside and I'm empathic and feel the hidden pains of those all around me? Maybe, it's because I simply want to do things differently and because I'm doing the work shifts happen.
So there it is. A man that I have wanted to love and be loved by more than anyone in the universe I forgive. I forgive him. I forgive ME. No, this is not the beginning of a relationship with him, if anything these are the final nails in the casket of any hope for a future. And, I place this casket to rest in peace, sprinkled with love and hope that in our next lifetime we get to try this differently. For now, I want to be at peace and I do not want my final words to be as violent as his. I want him to know that I forgive him.
The Ho'oponopono prayer feels spot on.
I am sorry.
I love you.